Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
