dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
