I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
