I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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