I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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