Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
