think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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