just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
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Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize