my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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