i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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