I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
