fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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