Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
