There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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