you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
