I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I FOUND THE LEGS
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
