Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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