It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
