dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
