I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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