so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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