Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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