Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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