Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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