Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
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Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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