hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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