Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
