my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
