look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
