i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
