She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
