Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
