I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
