How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
