Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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