I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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