Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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