you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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