i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
