My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
