Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
