Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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