Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
