sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
