We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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