wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
