Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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