The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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