ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
