Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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