He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
