NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
