Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
