all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
