I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
