oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
