I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
