85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
