i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
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