My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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