I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
